Change is good, so the MENu Dating blog has moved to its new home: www.tristancoopersmith.com. Please visit it there along with lots of other great stuff! We'll be waiting!

xo,Tristan

As I watch the gardener tackle my yard today I can’t help but notice the striking parallels between his work and the work involved with building a healthy love life. When he first arrived, he surveyed the property with a holistic view. He looked around for what needed tending to and what didn’t. He then worked through the yard, piece by piece, giving each area diligent attention. Lovingly, he removed weeds, excess growth and dead branches, leaves and blooms. Essentially, he cleared out the mess to make room for new growth, healthier growth. He didn’t do any more or any less than what needed to be done.

Next he cultivated the barren spots. He got down on his hands and knees and with tender loving care, he dug into the earth, creating the perfect home for new plantings. Once he placed them in their respective holes and covered them up, he watered them, just enough, not too much and watered all of the other plant life he’d planted weeks, months and years before.

When the gardener was finished, he stood back, hand on chin and admired his work with a soft, but pride filled smile. Although I can’t read his mind, I venture to say his thoughts are swirling with what he might do next week to grow this garden with even more love.

So you see, building a love life is like creating a magnificent garden. You must start with rich soil and continue to feed it with nutrients - that's your personal foundation - your self love. You must take the time to select plants that are most attractive to you and imbed them into the soil with care - that's choosing men that are good for you and taking the time to bring them into your life with ease (i.e. not fast forwarding into fantasy land!). You must water them and give them light so that they can grow strong roots and blossom to their fullest potential - that's nurturing your relationship allowing it to progress with organic ease. You must take a look from afar to see how your plants are growing and how they must be tended to - that's stepping back and evaluating where you are, where you want to be and how to close the gap. You need to pay attention to what is healthy and what is not - what can be salvaged and what can't be - that is being honest about your relationships and their potential. Sometimes plants die and must be said goodbye to and that’s ok because it leaves room for new plants.

Sometimes your lawn gets crapped on and guess what, you can clean it up and guess what else, your lawn is actually better off for having the residue - that is the gift of having relationship experience. Sometimes your lawn gets hit with a torrential downpour which flushes it out and other times the sun just shines down, down, down, down revealing blossoms that you didn’t even plant… which is the miracle of fertile soil.

The overall point here is that beautiful gardens just like beautiful love lives, don’t grow overnight. They take time to blossom into magnificence. And whereas you may fall into lust or even into very deep like, you grow into love… and it is very much worth the waiting and the watering.

Live, love and plant largely,

Tristan

There is a poetic analogy between the hand drawn hopscotch game we played as kids and the way we navigate our relationship journey as adults. I discovered that this weekend on an unintentional experiment with a client. We were meeting in a park and someone, presumably a child, had left behind a vibrantly colored hopscotch board reminiscent of our playground days. I challenged her to a round. Little did she know I was testing her.

On her first go, she skipped number 2.

On her second try, she stepped on the line between 6 and 7.

When I encouraged her to try again, she dejectedly exclaimed, “I give up. You win.”

In her first attempt, in her race to the finish, she was willing to cheat to get there. I can’t say, nor can she really, if that hop over #2 was deliberate or not. But the point is that working up to a relationship is a process. You can’t skip number two. Number two, figuratively, is an important learning opportunity. You need it, just like you need all the rest. And although you may not be able to chart out what each next step will be as you can on a hopscotch board, you certainly know when you’ve missed one. You can just feel it – your relationship gets out of sync. Being in a hurry to get to the end only shortchanges yourself and your partnership; simply you end up lacking in completeness; you end up losing.

Her second crack, the time where she stepped on the line, an automatic loss in the game of hopscotch, showcased her sloppiness, her lack of attention to the process. Paying attention to where you are – to the now – to staying in your zone, is essential when building a relationship. That is living to your authentic self. When you step on the lines of your authentic self, you need to question your intent in the relationship you are in.

And finally in only a mere two tries, my dear client gave up, defeated. Instead of using the prior two trials as opportunities to live and learn, to love better, she quit. To achieve your greatest love potential, you have to be willing to be in your game. You have to be willing to falter and to rise above those stumbles, knowing that each time you get up, you have the opportunity to progress, to move forward, closer to your goal... even if it is one small hop at a time.

So from now on, carry with you the picture of a hopscotch board. Use it to calm yourself when you want to hurry in a relationship or when you see yourself cheating you out of being you, use it as a reminder that you will just be forced to start again from the beginning, from square 1. In hopscotch and in relationships, it isn’t about how fast you get there, it is about how mindful you are along the way.

Happy hopping!

Live and love largely,

Tristan

With Jason out of town this weekend, I took the opportunity to date myself, a worthwhile practice for singles and coupled-ups alike. Dating yourself helps to fortify your love affair with yourself, ensuring that your personal love meter doesn’t falter which allows you to then graciously let love into your life and love others with ease.

So what does it mean to date yourself? And if you are already single how can you stand being with yourself anymore?!?!?! In its simplest form, dating yourself is “me time”. It is about consciously being with yourself. Think of when you are on a date with a guy. Whether it is a new guy or a boyfriend or even a husband, think about how present you are. Think about bow involved and how invested you are – from the time you are getting ready for the date to the time that it ends. Now think about the time you hang with yourself. Really think about it. How different is your state of being? How different is your investment? Be honest in this exercise. How often are you just watching Bachelorette marathons or cramming in an overdue mani/pedi? When you are alone, how does it feel to be alone? Are you comfortable in that place? Lonely? Anxious? Peaceful? Are you often trying to avoid being by yourself by filling your time with people or a schedule? You need to feel as invested in you during your “me time” as you do during "we time".

Ok, so when you date yourself, your full attention is solely on gorgeous YOU. You are taking a time-out to enjoy yourself. To get reconnected to you. To refuel your love meter by tending to your needs which often go unattended if you’re not paying attention.

What’s important when dating yourself is that you are fully present in your experiences, focusing inwardly on you, allowing whatever comes up internally to just come up... and then ride with those things. This is one of the chief reasons people avoid spending conscious time alone - out of fear of what may come up. But these are the greatest unearthings so do not fear them, but rather welcome them and know that whatever is there has been presented as an opportunity for you to grow from.

Some self-daters are planners; I for one am not. I prefer to see where the day or the weekend takes me and then follow it. This weekend, for example I discovered new foods I like at markets I never took the time to explore, wines I adore at wineries I never visited and coffee shops cozier than Christmas that were so small I didn’t see them until I was meandering on foot. I finished a book I started ages ago and started one I’ve been wanting to for some time. I saw a double feature at an old theater that is great but gives you a crick in your neck so I got a massage afterwards. I took a 25-mile bike ride. I tried on every hat in a vintage store I love and I took a nap on the beach. But that’s my style; you will need to find your own self-dating rhythm and as far as what you do, know that there isn’t a right or wrong so long as you remain present and find comfort being with you. If that part doesn't come naturally at first, it will, with practice. Stick with it - after all, if you can't date yourself comfortably, how can anyone else?

A few date yourself ideas:

· Explore the outdoors: bike ride, hike, walk on the beach

· Spa day: facial, massage, mani/pedi (and go for the little extras)

· Entertainment: movies, concerts (big, small, in the park), comedy

· Classes: art, jewelry, cooking, yoga, music, dance, wine tasting

· Dining: try new restaurants, picnic, cook a new recipe you saw on Top Chef

These are just a few starter ideas – be creative – indulge yourself! Think of dating yourself as a true GIFT you give yourself. This is not about being curing lonely blues, this is about self-care. This is about self-love. This is about nurturing yourself in a way that no man, no parent, no friend can. It is one of the healthiest habits you can develop and one that will enrich all of your relationships making you a better partner, friend, relative. This is a behavior you should develop and keep for life... for love.

So here’s to dating and relating to yourself… enjoy!

Live and love largely,

Tristan