When it comes to love, outside of arranged marriages, I don’t believe in luck. To believe in luck you have to believe in the converse. I refuse to believe that Cupid either randomly, karmically, maliciously or otherwise, chooses chosen ones, like a powertripping bouncer at a NY club, to be blessed with the powers of love, leaving the unchosen to sulk in misery as they unknowingly travel a winding path on a quest to eternal loneliness. Nope, I won’t accept that. So while there may not be such a thing as being unlucky in love (removing one more option from your list of explanations offered up to the nagging coupled up population in rebuttal as to why you are still single), there is such a thing as being unopen to love, stupid about love or unavailable in love:

Unopen to love. Arms crossed, bitchy stare, head buried in a blackberry, women unopened to love hang an invisible, albeit impossible not to feel, closed for business sign up. They quarantine themselves from love by appearing unapproachable or by creating an isolative lifestyle. To open up to love… FREE YOUR FEARS.

Stupid about love. Women who are stupid when it comes to matters of the heart make the same mistakes over and over and wonder why. They are the ones who give the Dr. Philian advice but never take it and wonder why. These are the women who pay therapists oodles of cash to gain insight about their love lives, have the “aha” moments and then don’t apply them, only to go back to their therapist and wonder… you guessed it, why. To get smart about love… FREE YOUR SELF-LOVE.

Unavailable in love. Women unavailable in love have a steel lock around their heart and a key to it will not be given away easily. Although they may present themselves as looking for a good man, date regularly even, they self-sabotage their love lives by repeatedly picking the same wrong type, staying in obviously abusive situations or are present in the physical sense only, refusing to truly open up. To become available in love… FREE YOUR HEART.

Instead of blaming the absence of love in your life on a bad dice roll or a crappy fortune cookie, identify what is really preventing you from getting it, so you can get through and beyond it.

FREE YOUR FEARS, FREE YOUR SELF-LOVE, FREE YOUR HEART. LET LOVE IN.

Live and love largely,

Tristan

He’s cheap, he checks out other women, his breath smells, he won’t go down on me, he takes longer than me to get ready, he answered the phone during a movie, he lied to the host and said he was a doctor to get a table, he’s too negative, he’s too positive…. And the list goes on and on and ON! No wonder singledom is lasting well into our 30s – our dealbreaker list is longer than a line to get into a Justin Bieber concert. Now, don’t get me wrong, as you know by now, I am a champion of choosy, but in the MD lab, I’ve been wondering if perhaps we are decoding our relationship red lights improperly. Could these dealbreakers be more than meets the eye?

All this talk lately about settling raises the age ol’ question among women, “Am I too picky?” Your mom will say, “Yes” before you finish asking the question but she as we know has an agenda. Your BFF who last saw you with a trade down will say, “No” because she is your #1 fan and think you can do better. Well here’s what I think. When it comes to creating your dealbreaker list, you have to look beyond the surface to see what the non-negotiable is representing because it is deeper than it appears.

For example, my friend Shara 86’d a guy because his emails were full of typos. Upon further examination, what she didn’t like about him was that he wasn’t conscientious. Eliminating a mandidate because he has shitty grammar is being impulsively and unreasonably picky, but eliminating one because he isn’t conscientious when that is an attribute you value, that is being insightfully and reasonably picky. Christina ended it with her guy because he was a freelancer. Turns out freelancing represented instability to her and she needs someone with a secure paycheck, insurance, 401K, etc. Danielle peaced out Jeremiah for always interrupting her but it wasn’t because it was so rude (that’s fixable), it was because the interrupting was an indicator of how self-interested Jeremiah was in what he had to say, never in what she had to say.

So when you are looking to red light a prospect, don’t ask, “Am I being too picky?” ask, “Am I being insightfully and reasonably picky?” Dig a little deeper to dissect the real reason you are ctrl-alt-deleting him, otherwise it is a wasted experience whereby you haven’t learned anything significant about your wants/needs, not to mention once you uncover something you’ll have a much stronger defense next time you go up against your griping mother.

Live and love largely,

Tristan

I remember my first roadtrip with a semi-BF. I was so excited envisioning me and my lover boy – the wind in our hair, the perfect playlist in rotation, the open road all to ourselves in pursuit of a destination to somewhere wonderful. I had every detailed planned out from cool places to stop along the way to a cooler filled with supreme snacks and enough CDs (dating myself here) to last us so we’d never have to listen to any song twice. I even imagined the photos we would take, the laughs we’d laugh, the memories we’d collect. This was going to be the trip he fell in love with amazing me. Or so I thought.

It actually turned out to be the trip I fell into hell. I fell into hell with a guy who it turned out hates Taco Bell (WTF?!), doesn’t say excuse me when he burps, thinks girls aren’t worthy of driving long distances, and who knew, has a fondness for horrifically freestyle rapping when on the open road. It was misery from point A to B but I wouldn’t take the experience back for anything because it served as a relationship lab and in this lab, I discovered that me and he were definitely not meant to be a we.

The idea of a roadtrip is idyllic - hours and hours to enjoy each other’s carefree company, swap stories, play silly games, eat junkfood and get lost in the scenery, but in reality stressful situations can arise and an environment that was designed to be harmonious can quickly become one whereby you get on each other’s nerves, fight about where to eat and sit in silence staring at the highway counting exits instead.

Which is exactly why a roadtrip is a perfect relationship proving ground and a mandatory take-it-to-the-next-level exercise. It can, in many ways be the ultimate compatibility test. If you pass, you have an excellent chance of a thriving relationship, if you fail, you should think twice. Here’s why:

Conversation (or lack thereof): In my mind, my roadtrip with the Taco Bell hater was supposed to be filled with enlightening conversations. I’d tell him about my embarrassing childhood moments, he’d tell me about his first heartbreak, we’d talk about our future. But no, he wasn’t a talker. He liked reflective time in the car. And after 4 hours with 3 more to go, I had nothing left to reflect on other than how much I didn’t want to be with this guy anymore. This test showcases how in sync you are with one another, meaning do you know inherently what kind of atmosphere the other needs at what moment (quiet vs. chatty) and how curious each of you are about the other – this is found time to get to know each other better – do you take advantage of it? Look to see what your conversation pattern is like? Does it feel like an uncomfortable first date where you are just trying to fill the space to avoid awkward silence? Does it flow naturally with interesting dialogue that strengthens your bond, but also has a balance of personal reflective time? Or is one of you on auto-pilot, non stop talking while the other is silently wishing for noise cancelling headphones?

Music: This was the area of no concern for me when it came to compatibility for me and my semi-BF turned ex. Our cars had the same radio stations programmed and we made mixes for each other all the time with similar music. But listening to professionals and listening to him freestyle was two different things – one I could deal with, the other I couldn’t – and the test here was that I didn’t care about him enough to enjoy the fact he was enjoying himself. On your roadtrip, assuming each of you came to the journey iPod in hand, ready to plug in, are your music tastes like-minded? Or at the very least can you lovingly digest each other’s choices? Are you willing to compromise by holding off on anything you know the other loathes? This is bound to come up and the test here will be how you can compromise, share and be tolerant of each other’s choices.

Navigation: North, South, to the mountains, to the beach, city getaway… figuring out where you are going and how you are getting there can be the most exciting part of a roadtrip. It can also be the most stressful… especially if you have different approaches to how it should be done. Are you two map followers and destination driven or non-planning adventure seekers? If you are not on the same page about where you are going, be it a direct route to a certain place or on a scavenger hunt to nowhere in particular, your roadtrip will end up super anxiety ridden for the planner or boring for the thrill seeker. This will unveil a profound personality trait (planner vs. spontaneous) that if different is likely to divide you in many future life choices. I’m happy to say this is the one test that rookie rapper and I actually passed.

Driving duties: You can imagine what an eye opener it was to learn that my man who appeared to be living in modern times was actually Ward Cleaver in disguise, not letting me drive, thinking I would slow us up. Funny thing was, he middle/right laned it the whole way capping 70 as I daydreamed about flying at 120 weaving in and out with a real man. Figuring out driving shifts is often a point of contention on a roadtrip, particularly when one roadtripee isn’t willing to drive, or for as long, or one doesn’t want to give up command. In your case, who is taking the reigns of the wheel? Is this to be a shared responsibility? Do you approve of the way each other drives? What other responsibilities come with driving? This test will indicate how safe you feel with the other in the driver’s seat, literally and figuratively.

Stops: I’m the in-and-out stopper, let’s take it to go, but my chauffeur liked to eat his Big Mac leisurely, claiming he needed to rest up for his next shift, passively complaining about his driving duties (insert eye roll here). Although you are bound to need to stop for gas, bathroom and food breaks, it is what happens when you get there that counts in this test. There tend to be two distinct styles of roadtrip stoppers. The “can’t you just hold it so we can get there faster?” road tripper and the likes to browse in every rest-stop souvenir shop for that perfect piece of memorabilia roadtripper. This test will illustrate differing personality traits (impatient vs. enjoying the moment) that while not a dealbreaker, will need to be understood and appreciated to move on in harmony.

All of these circumstances (along with others such as road temper, car tidiness, handling bodily functions and more), in concert help to determine if your life can be intertwined with your man’s on a really intimate basis. When the ride ranges from smooth to windy to pot-hole ridden, the question is, “how do you co-pilot together?”

So grab your man, pack a bag and buckle up for an open road adventure that will surely be telling of you and your guy's potential. Score each area with a pass/fail mark. When issues arise in these categories the real test is how you work them out. Do you communicate effectively to resolve the problem existing in a peaceful place, wanting the journey to continue on and on, or are you scrambling to hitchhike home?

Live and love largely,

Tristan

Wanted: Unstable girl with baggage heavier than a house, a lackluster life with highlights that include watching reruns of America’s Got Talent, a promising career in glue stick sales, a cat collection, 11 online profiles and only goes out on Sundays.

Not exactly a highly sought after profile! If the script was flipped, would you want that kind of guy? I don't think so.

To get a great man, you need to get a great life. Simply, and as sales pitchy as it sounds, you need to have something to offer. If your life sucks and thus you are offering up a platter full of problems or a dish of doldrums, why would any guy want to jump on board? On the contrary, if your life rocks, then they come running to be a part of it.

Think of your life as a sundae and build it to be as ooey gooey, rich and delicious as possible.

Start with a great dish. A GREAT dish. Not some average paper cup or wimpy cone that sogs out after a few minutes. Your sundae’s dish is your life’s foundation. It needs to be strong. It needs to withstand whatever gets thrown into. Take your time to make your dish beautiful inside and out and know that over the course of time, particularly through moments of growth, it will need love, attention and repair.

Now fill your dish with the BEST, MOST POSITIVE people – friends and family that fill your tank with joy and inspiration – people that when you leave them, you feel more fulfilled than you did when you arrived. Fill your dish with a STIMULATING job – a job that excites you and makes you want to do your best because it makes you feel good inside. Evaluate and re-evaluate the ice cream in your dish to ensure that it is as sweet and rich as can be.

Sprinkle your sundae with the extras – things that simply make you smile on the inside. This could be a sewing class, walks on the beach, maintaining a personal blog, volunteering, going to church, kickboxing, thrifting – anything that makes your life a little more flavorful. Try new additions from time to time to re-energize your sundae, and share these little extras with the people that you love, too.

Finally, the best part – topping off your sundae with a bright red cherry. Once you’ve built an ooey gooey delight complete with a strong foundation that can support all of the goodness you’ve put inside, attracting the sweet red cherry is easy because you have such an inviting offering. What guy wouldn’t want to have a taste of such an awesomely delectable life?! Plus when you are out there building your sundae you are increasing your chances of meeting someone great because you are living life as opposed to being cooped up in your apartment making out with a copy of UsWeekly and a box of takeout. Remember though, don’t settle for a fruitcake of a man. You can have and deserve to have someone with an equally ooey gooey sundae of a life that will allow you to delight in each other’s decadence, making your life only that much sweeter.

The sweet truth: You can't ask form a man what you can't give in return.

Live and love largely,

Tristan