Leaving Starbucks early this morning, my hands were overflowing so I used my hip, raising my toes a bit, to open the door. Not thinking twice about the effort, a cute guy gave me that look – that impressed, wanna see what else I could do with my hips look, and said, “Nice move.” Of course I’m a retired MENu Dater so I just smiled, thanked the hottie and passed on a word of advice that he’d have better lady luck if he hopped up and opened the door. But I digress.

The experience got me thinking… about moves. And how every single girl ought to have an arsenal of them, subconsciously sewn into the fabric of her actions. Sure some women are just born sexy – they know how to saunter, coyly smile and hair toss out of the womb, but most women have to school themselves… the good news is, if your sexy barometer is a little lower than you’d like, its easy to raise it.

First, study the women who you find to be mercilessly sexy, be it a fictional character, celeb on a red carpet, strangers at a bar, or your besties that always seem to bring all the boys to the yard… use them as a playbook to develop your own brand of moves. Remember, we are talking moves here, not clothing, makeup or words… just body behavior. True sexy is all about subtlety so pay attention to small movements. Using my morning experience as a case study, three tiny alterations made my “move” opening the door at Starbucks sexy: 1) Upon reaching the door, I paused for a nanosecond to turn and get in the position to open it. Whereas most people depart in one swift move, this pause drew attention to me. 2) Rising on my toes elongated my entire body which always makes a woman look sexier. Had I been wearing something calf baring, the effect would have been double. 3) Bumping the door open with my hip had a far greater impact than if I had chosen say my forearm as it attracted any viewer to a more erotic part of my body. So, do you see how this works? When you are out in the field making your own observations, pay attention to how sexy women use the power of their body and the timing also with which they move it. Think simple, think effortless, think natural alternatives. For example, think about how sliding a phone in your back pocket instead of tossing it in your purse can be sexy. Think about how taking your hair out of a ponytail and giving it an effortless shake, while waiting in a grocery store line can be sexy. Think about ending sentences with a natural smile... ever notice how TV personalities always do that and as a result you want to hear what they have to say next?!

Once you have your toolbox filled with moves you that inspire you, practice, practice, practice them… in front of a mirror. I know, it sounds so awkward, but just like you might rehearse for a presentation, or a potentially uncomfortable conversation, introducing new moves into your repertoire is like learning to ride a bike – in the beginning, its unnatural but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Eventually a conscious attempt, will become an unconscious behavior. Believe me, in my hurried mad dash out of Starbucks, I wasn't trying to be sexy, it just happened. After you have your mirrored moves down, strut your new sexy stuff out in the real world… a lot. Begin to integrate these new tricks into your everyday being. There shouldn’t be an “off” switch. Do it all the time. The more you do it, the more confident you will become. Soon these behaviors will be baked into who you are… and you will become one of the women other students of sexy, study!

Every girl has got a cat’s meow in her just waiting to purrr… it’s time to unleash yours!

Live and love largely,

Tristan

Wedding season is right around the corner… you can smell it with the flowers in bloom, hear it with the chirping birds returning home, see it with the bridal bitches hitting the gym extra hard (I saw one wearing a veil-like sweatband in my spin class last week – true story) and of course nuzzled between your bills and promises to win a million dollars are weekly invites to what seem like everyone’s wedding, but yours. The constant in-your-face reminders that you are single with a capital S can turn the season that is supposed to be filled with sweetness and gorgeous hope into one with an unshakeable devil in a red wedding dress on your shoulder. One where you fixate on how much it sucks to be single, how you will never find love, how broke you are going buying gifts, how likely it is that you’ll be seated next to some creepy uncle and so on and so on. But we all know that one big secret to finding love, is to project love. So, to flick that bad-ass red devil off your shoulder, you need to invite its optimistic cousin, the white angel in, and follow her prescription as follows, to beat the bridal blues:

1. Stock up on date dresses that double as wedding appropriate dresses, as opposed to shopping for dresses that are meant for weddings. This way, you’ll be less resentful about spending gobs of cash on her day because you will really be making an investment in your dating future.

2. Bringing along a token plus one - your neighbor who has been pining after you for years, your ex, your gay BFF or your local barista, makes you look desperate. Alternatively, get head-to-toe gorgeous and go stag. Weddings can be a great place for a like/love connection!

3. Chances are you won’t be the only single girl at any wedding. Scout out the others, preferably at pre-events and band together as wingwomen, not in misery but in delight, deciding to make the most of this day of festivities.

4. Don’t believe the hype that Auntie Mae bestows upon you in her moment of pity citing, “Ya know dear, they only have a 50/50 chance of making it.” Deflect negative energy by hitting the dance floor with a cute bachelor. Cynicism is an ugly accessory and ruins even the most gorgeous of dresses.

5. Just because the liquor is free flowing, doesn’t mean it comes without cost. Drink too much and you could wind up being that girl who is puking out her brains, and her sad single guts to anyone willing to listen.

6.  Just like practice with dating helps you figure out what you need in a relationship, weddings are great research opportunities to help you figure out what you want/don’t want at your ultimate dream event, so use the opportunity to take mental notes. It is OK to dream... anyone who tells you differently has given up!

7. The answer to the dreaded question, “How can someone as fabulous as you be single?” is “I’m holding out for someone as equally fabulous.” This leaves you standing gracefully and proudly single, with a nod to the fact you’ve had options, but turned them down. This eliminates opportunity for condolences or additional questioning, just the way you want it.

8. From the cheesy heart shaped napkins to the PDA obsessed newlyweds and the corny love songs, weddings should be used to reinvigorate your belief in love, so soak it all up! You can even use them to interview happy couples about their relationships to give you more insight about lasting love.

9. Why should only newlyweds get gifts this summer? Couldn’t you use a new toaster or some lacy lingerie? Make your own wishlist and for every wedding you attend, treat yourself to a gift, or enlist friends invited to the same weddings and surprise each other with gifts celebrating your fabulous single selves!

10. When twangs of icky feelings rush over, counteract them with a glass of champagne and a toast to your singledom. Toast to the fact you haven’t run off with the wrong guy. Toast to the things you love about your single life. Toast to your eventual future with a wonderful partner because deep down you know that great love is coming your way and it is worth waiting for.

And finally, don’t forget to enjoy the cake… no dessert is better than wedding cake, so don’t be shy… have two slices… after all, you don’t have to worry about squeezing into a gown anytime soon, now do you, so indulge while you can!

Live and love largely,
Tristan

p.s. The pic above is at my wedding, with all of my single girls... they don't look miserable, do they???

In honor of Earth Day, and with Spring officially having sprung, it is the time of year where daters ought to be thinking about sprinkling their dating seeds. Many of you have been emailing me about recent breakups (tis the season, if you’ve been paying attention to the entertainment news wire) or lousy winter season’s of dating. But with summer around the corner and your man closet’s recently have been spring cleaned, you are left with lots of fabulous dating opportunities. After all, summer is the season when the hotties reveal their toned and tanned abs, the days stretch long into the nights and your natural tan glow makes you feel better than ever, right? All that said, if you’re feeling a little dusty in the dating attitude department, you won’t be successful no matter how hot you are feeling in your new bikini, so check out my 10 favorite things about dating to kickstart your enthusiasm engine into high gear to remind yourself what there is to love about dating!

10. Gives you a good reason to shop. Nothing says confidence like a new outfit or ten. And if you can’t figure out with your slick accountant how to write off your new cute date tops, dresses, sandals and more as a necessary investment in your future, try leaning on sympathetic mom or dad for few new wears - they will understand the justification for your new wardrobe when you are single, but try doing it when you are married and you will get a giant eye roll.

9. Free stuff. Let’s face it – even in an age of equality where women should at least do the “reach” and are expected to pay some of the time, when it comes dating financials, the scales tip in our favor. We get treated to plenty of meals, drinks, cab rides, flowers and so on and so on… far more than you’d get from your pizza delivery guy if you stayed home.

8. The possibility. Day to day life (i.e. work, gym, friends, family) can all be so predictable, but dating is far from it. You never know how a date will turn out or how you might feel about it, which is what makes it so exciting and something to get excited about.

7. The butterflies. The sweaty palms before a date, the semi-queasy feeling when his name pops up on your caller ID, the role playing of what he’ll say and what you’ll say in response – all those subtle indicators that let you know you have a schoolgirl crush… silly, yes, but the warm fuzzies that feel oh so good!

6. Feeling gawgeous! Being all dolled up, being complimented and being treated like a lady all (usually) comes with dating... and admit it, it feels awesome! Plus when you are out in the dating playground you are generally more aware of your appearance so you take better care of yourself and in turn, look and feel your most stunning.

5. The learnings. Since dating is all about the test drive, whether obvious or hidden, there is always something to be learned about what works for you or doesn’t, on each and every date. The insight could be small – something like wearing heels really does make you look hotter and feel more confident, to something bigger like it is critical for you to be with a guy who appreciates fun as much as you do. Extracting that gem of wisdom is worth your time, every time.

4. First kisses. Enchanting, knee-weakening, explorative… if it’s a good one, a first kiss is like no other kiss you have with a guy. It’s a non-verbal communication that says, “yeh, I dig you” and any nerves you may have had, dissipate right along with background noise, people chaos, etc.

3. Bad dates. That’s right, when I was dating, since I took a “just say yes” approach I never really knew what I was going to get (but seriously, when do you?!) and sometimes my date when really awry leading to hilarious tales to tell with my girlfriends over Sunday mimosa brunch.

2. Great dates. You close the door behind you and finally exhale, falling to the floor in that romantic comedy move where you are in a sort of dazed but blissful state. Admit it – you have it every time you have a really fabulous date – the kind that makes you believe in falling in like/love again… the kind that has you not caring about the stupid rules and just wanting to go for it!

1. New adventures. Whether it is a new restaurant, new bar, new type of guy, activity never tried, or sexual position finally dared, dating is filled with all sorts of fun new opportunities… the more open-minded you are, the more fun it is.

And of course… let us not forget that dating is what leads us to finding our life partner. You never know who the one before “the one” is going to be but what you can be sure of is that if you aren’t out there, you’ll never get there. Here’s to a fabulous season of dating… to sprinkling your dating seeds far and wide, and to perhaps one of them blossoming into bright, beautiful like or love.

Live and love largely,
Tristan

When you are a relationship expert, it seems there is no escaping love lessons. Whether I go to a playground, the circus, the grocery store or the laundromat, I'm always picking up jewels of relationship wisdom. But my visit to the San Diego Zoo this weekend may have trumped them all. Every stop along the way served up some sort of lesson in love, far more enlightening than any textbook, episode of Dr. Drew, or blog. By studying the simplicity of our furry, feathered and scaly friends, I noticed how our complicated lives unnecessarily complicate our love lives. The animals at the zoo just get it. They have such an unpolluted way of taking care of themselves and of each other. Of course they don't have jobs, dreams, taxes to pay and a zillion other things that can distract them from focusing on what really matters, but even still I think it is worthwhile, to stop and observe the methods of a few favorite animals and see what learnings you can extract and apply to your own ways of love. To get you started, here are a few things that the my favorite animals taught me about pure and primal love this weekend:

Orangutans prioritize play.

These red-haired, spaghetti-armed primates live to be silly. Constantly swinging from ropes, flipping over branches, playing peek a boo and tugging on each other’s beards just to crack a smile out of one other, these guys are always looking for a reason to have fun.

Love lesson learned: Relationships need a good dose of teasing, taunting and a lot of fun!

Ducks believe in loyalty.

One of the few monogamous creatures in the animal kingdom, family first is the motto of the duck. Whether on land or in water, ducks always stick together and appear to be harmonious while doing so. They wait for each other when one is slower, always looking out for each other's best interest.

Love lesson learned: Commitment is simply a decision to go the distance with your chosen one, no matter what. 

Pandas snuggle for snuggle’s sake.

Of all the animals at the zoo, the pandas get the most oohs and aahs because they are the cuddliest. Constantly snuggling with each other, and not just at the baby stage, they appear to need the warmth offered when close to one another. That warmth projects outwards and can be felt between sets of bears.

Love lesson learned: Snuggling does the body and spirit good.

Monkeys appreciate sex!

The monkeys were in high heat this weekend, getting busy for their passerbys. No quarters needed for these cage shows either as these furry creatures were all about exhibitionist displays of love. Furthermore, they did not shy away from experimental positioning or dominant and submissive role sharing.

Love lesson learned: Free and frequent sex is a must! 

Gorillas meditate daily.

During my ten-minute visit to the gorilla exhibit, the grown-ups were all in yoga-like poses, deeply meditating on who knows what. Perfectly peaceful, these amazing creatures were unfazed by the crowds and each other… until the two little ones came to flip over their ‘do not disturb’ signs, at which point the adults happily engaged with their children, seemingly recharged.

Love lesson learned: Members of a relationship need to be internally balanced and properly rejuvenated to be the best partner they can be.

Polar Bears place value on patience.

My visit included multiple feeding times and the polar bears (the most revered exhibit at this zoo) were inarguably the most patient. They waited calmly for their zookeeper and were kind upon being fed, taking each scrap delicately and appreciatively.

Love lesson learned: Good things are worth waiting for.

Giraffes are unselfish.

I watched a mama giraffe in all of her long-legged glory pass down leaves to her little-legged baby. On two instances she went to feed herself but her baby nudged at her wanting to be fed so she handed her, her leaves. The baby then nuzzled with the mama giraffe in appreciation.

Love lesson learned: When you truly someone, giving is oftentimes more of a gift than receiving.

Peacocks are honorable.

The peacocks at this zoo roam free and often in pairs. When a security vehicle turned a corner, the male peacock reactively fanned its beautiful feathers in all of their glory, protecting the female and announcing to the driver to stop until its lady could pass. An absolutely honorable and chivalrous display that melted my heart!

Love lesson learned: A lady should expect to be treated like a lady.

Hyenas understand forgiveness.

When food was tossed in the hyena pit, the two cats aggressively went after it – only one prevailed, leaving the other hungry and angry. Seconds later though the winner approached the loser, nuzzled noses in a seemingly ‘forgive and forget’ gesture and the two were friendly again, strolling the pit side by side.

Love lesson learned: Life is too short to hold grudges.

Birds offer space.

Among the great variety of birds I saw at the zoo, one commonality was that they gave each other needed space. They would visit on a common branch, communicate and then one would flee for alone time. The cycle would then repeat all over again.

Love lesson learned: Healthy relationships need time together and breathing room.

When the animals seem to have it all right, sort of makes you rethink the term "dating jungle"... perhaps we make it more complicated than it needs to be...

Live and love largely,

Tristan