Dear Single Mama’s,

I hope you had the most glorious of glorious Mother’s Day’s yesterday. I hope it was filled with relaxation and celebration and hugs as sweet as cinnamon sugar. You deserved it! You are the hardest working women in the world, and for that I salute you. And I should know… I was raised by one. One fabulous, beautiful, strong, committed bad-ass single mama.

Single mom’s are an amazing force to be reckoned with. No matter their circumstance, they are steadfastly devoted to their children. They will take, as my mom did up to two and three jobs, just to make sure their child can have a birthday party. They will sacrifice new clothes, haircuts, mani/pedis, dreams and the list goes on to make sure their children are fed and clothed. They will lose sleep cleaning the house. They will learn how to change a tire so they can teach their sons. They will give more than they ever knew they had, for their little angels.

And they do it all for nothing in return. The very definition of true love.

But let me tell you something, dear mama’s…

Single mama’s need love too! Yes! Yes… single mama’s deserve to be wined and dined. They deserve to receive sweet surprise text messages. They deserve to be the little spoon to someone’s big spoon. And yes indeed, single mama’s deserve to get their freak on!

So to all the beautiful, hardworking, devoted single mother’s, give yourself the gift of love this year for Mother’s Day. Do it for yourself; do it for your kids. More than anything in the world, your children want to see you HAPPY! And let’s face it, couch cuddling to Disney favorites, weekend soccer games, monitoring playdates and playing chauffeur to and from the mall can only be so satisfying. Of course you love your kids more than anything in the world, but when you are deep into some heart-pumping butterfly love, you experience a type of happiness that being a parent just doesn’t provide. To get that type of love, you need to make room in your heart and time in your life, to date.

Hear this loud and clear: You can be the greatest parent in the world AND have time for a successful and fulfilling dating journey!

In fact, being someone who can move on actually shows your kids that you are a healthy person - that you know how to overcome heartache, learn from it and prosper. Remember, do-over dating is not a punishment to a failed relationship or marriage –it is your second chance at the love you never really got, but deserve!

Here’s to all the beautiful single mama’s… may confidence, courage and wisdom guide you towards big, bountiful love... just like it did for my own mama.

Live and love largely,

Tristan

Forget about love being in the air, weddings are in the air! Which for me, means a LOT of talk among my beautiful clients about wanting to get married. And I get it. As a newlywed myself, being married is dreamy… but only if you marry the right guy for the right reasons. After all, we all know at least one unhappy married couple filled with regret, right? And although it seems sort of textbook 101, it happens every weekend – women (and men) say “I do” when they are thinking gutturally, “I’m not sure.”

Whatever you do, don’t believe the hype in starter marriages. Playing house doesn’t provide a good dress rehearsal. And, despite how celebs make it how to be, you don’t typically get a big payout from a first marriage. In fact, starter marriages take a huge toll on you emotionally, and an irreversible physical toll too (email me if you want to know more about that – its too clinical and depressing for this post - lol). Bottom line: if you are getting married for the sake of getting married, are bored in Vegas, need a green card to stay state side, or are thinking of saying “I do” for any of the other reasons below, don’t.

1) Tick-tock, biological clock! The baby machine in you could be overheating, I get it, but there are lots of wonderful ways to fulfill the dream of having a baby, without a husband. Sure, having one would make things easier and perhaps in your mind more ideal… but trust me, having the wrong father for your child not only disservices you, it disservices your future child. And you are not that selfish.

2) You hit your magic number. Whether your number is 25 or 35, you hit it or are years passed it, you need to erase the concept of it altogether from your mind. Commitment isn’t about a timeline, it is about an experience line. Marry when you are ready and have found the right person who is also ready for the big responsibility of marriage, regardless of how old you are, or think you are supposed to be.

3) You found your dream dress. Even if on a whim one day at a bridal sample sale you bought your fairytale dress and stored it away in the attic, that is no reason to rush marriage. If you properly store it, that dress isn’t going anywhere and when you do finally slip it on, it will look even better than the day you bought it since you will be wearing the most important thing of all along with it, true love, inside and out.

4) Your current BF is the best guy you’ve dated so far. The as good as it gets syndrome usually perks up at the time when you are nearing your magic number… this is settling in its truest form. Don’t do it. A better fit for you exists, so drench yourself in self-love and go find that better puzzle piece.

5) Financial security… or health insurance. If you marry a man for money, his health insurance plan, etc, consider the fact that these things could evaporate at a moment’s notice. There are no guarantees that bank accounts will stay filled, that jobs will stay secure. A marriage built on financial dependency, materialism, lust or any other non-solid foundation is like building a house on sand. When the wind blows, which it will, your marriage will crumble.

6) Marriage will fix what is broken in your relationship. There is a misperception that being married solidifies a broken relationship. It doesn’t. It can actually emphasize what is wrong and dredge up more problems in the partnership. Before you go into a life-long commitment, it is essential to iron out your issues.

7) You want to check marriage off your list. You’ve nailed the fab career, got the great apartment, no one can mess with your killer style, you adore your friends, etc. So what’s left other than adding a new last name? Unless you want to add divorce to your life list, be weary of marrying just to be done with it.

8) Your parents are pressuring you. If you’ve got one of those parents who is a constant bug in your ear nagging you to hurry up and get married, you need to find a way to silence the noise. After all, you can be certain the voice will be even louder if you are miserably married or find yourself unraveling your marriage into divorce soon after you’ve spent their retirement stash on a big wedding.

9) Because he asked. It is hard to reject a big, sparkly rock, but just because a man asks for your hand in marriage, doesn’t mean you should give it to him. Remember, with your hand, comes your heart and all of the rest of you. He won’t be the only one to ask, trust me.

10) To have a fairytale wedding. If you’ve dreamed of your wedding day since you were three years old watching princess movies, keep dreaming until the guy at the end of the aisle is all that you imagined the prince to be. Just think, the more time that lapses, the more imaginative you can be, and the more cash you can put towards it! (If you are on the fence with this one, just ask yourself: would you marry your man at a courthouse with no wedding hoopla?)

11) You are having his baby. A bump in your belly doesn’t require a marriage. Sure if you love your baby daddy and foresaw yourself marrying him prior to the knock up, by all means, but don’t let your hormone increase get the best of you and make you feel as if you need to marry him because it is the “right thing to do”. A child needs a loving, stable home and if you and your child’s father can’t provide that, there are better, more creative arrangements that can be made. That is the right thing to do.

12) You can’t bear being single one more day. Another sign of settling is the idea that it would be better to get married to a willing party than fighting the good fight of dating. If this is you, you definitely need some reprogramming about love and dating. It is certainly better to be single and searching than settling and miserable – trust me, in a relationship like that, you will still be alone… alone and trapped.

13) You are crazy in love and have never been in one fight! Butterflies, hearts, fairies unicorns and every other picture of love surrounds you when you think of this Mr. Wonderful! In fact, he’s perfect! Not to sound cynical, but my guess is, you either have known each other for 90 days or less, or someone is hiding something. Before getting married, it is critical that the marriage undergo tests to challenge its strength.

14) Everyone else is doing it. Just like your parents used to ask, “If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?” Of course not. Although your destination, marriage, is the same as your friend’s, accept that your path there is unique. Just because yours winds a little longer doesn’t make it any less beautiful. Better to be the last one standing, than the first one to fall, right?

You owe it to yourself to get married for healthy reasons… so that when you do your marriage will thrive and offer you all the greatness that it can give. Take your sweet time, dance in exploration, soak up the learnings of like and love, commit to not settling and when you arrive at the aisle the right way with the right partner by your side, you won’t want to walk down the aisle, you’ll want to run… towards all the dreamy goodness you’ve waited and prepared for.

Here’s to making wonderful choices… for wonderful you!

Live and love largely,

Tristan

He’d be perfect if only he'd grow another few inches. He’d be perfect if only he’d tap into his feminine side. He’d be perfect if only he’d drink less in public. He’d be perfect if only he weren’t so perfect! And the list goes on and on and on.

My dating archives are filled with them… men who made the 98% perfect list and therefore didn’t make the cut… and I’m guessing you have a lot of those too. Men who if they just changed one teeny tiny thing about themselves, just may have been in the running for “the one.” But they didn’t, so they were 86d.

The notion of perfect raises two important thoughts as it relates to dating. One is women’s often constant seeking for perfection… an unhealthy expectation that will ultimately lead us to feeling unfulfilled and… ultimately lonely, as addressed in another post: The Fairytale Fumble.

The other, th e question, “Can you change an almost perfect man into a perfect one?” If he’s 98% there, can you get him to 100%? After all, if you found a near perfect diamond, it would be your duty to polish it into perfection, right?

Read this, slowly and clearly: YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. Now, read it again, slower this time: YOU. CAN. NOT. CHANGE. A. MAN. Even if he really really REALLY loves you.

You see, change, everlasting change comes from deep within. It begins with an acceptance that something within is without, which leads to a desire to want that thing to be different. That desire sprouts determination and that determination fuels change. The initial accepatance simply cannot be assigned by another.

But you are saying to yourself, he’d be better off if he x, y, z’d… and we’d be better off for the change to! Of course he would and you guys would too and that is why you need to speak up. It’s important, critical in fact to get your needs met in a relationship and if you are not it is up to you, and you alone to voice them. You get what you accept in a relationship. Period. In fact, a good test to see if you love yourself is to get honest about what you need and unapologetically ask for it. And although you can’t demand that a man change…

The good news is that if a quality is changeable (meaning something other than height) you CAN inspire him to change. You can plant the seed of change. You can present the idea of an alternative behavior to him and encourage him to manifest it into change. If he trusts in your word and believes that you have his best interest at heart, not just your own, success will more likely be achieved… and you are right, he and you as a partnership will be better off (or perhaps rather on) for it.

For example, let’s say you believe your man would be “perfect” if he was more complimentary. Here’s how you can inspire that change in him:

1) Think about what he does right. Make a list of the things he does that you love. By doing so you will be in a love mindset so that you enter the conversation in a positive place.

2) Think about why you need more compliments… what that void actually is that you are missing. Think about how it makes you feel when you get them – be specific. Think about how it makes you feel when you don’t get them - be specific... you will need to share these later.

3) Think about how him giving more compliments can benefit him. Will it make him feel better about himself? Will it help him make friends? Will it help him be a better boss? Will it someday make him a good dad as it will inject his children with beautiful self-esteem? Remember that he will have to work to change and any type of work requires incentive.

4) Choose a good time and a good location. Don't introduce the idea of change to your man when he is stressed out, after a long day, when he's rushing off to hang with his friends or any other time where he isn't relaxed and open to giving you his undivided attention. Grab him when he is in a good mood, too... and don't make this talk feel threatening - present it as a positive opportunity to keep him from going into defense mode.

5) When you approach your man about this subject, use “I” statements and be vulnerable. Men like to be men… meaning they want to be needed and relied upon for small and large things so don’t be afraid to show him your dependent side – displaying your needs is healthy dependency!

6) Once you state your positive feeling, (for example: I feel appreciated when you tell me that I am important to you or I feel beautiful when you compliment my new outfits) follow it with your clearly stated need (for example: and I need to hear those things more often). Clarity is key for men. If they don’t get what you are saying, you will never get what you want.

7) Listen to what he has to say even if it isn’t what you want to hear, at first. Be understanding of his position.

8) Do not nag, beg or give ultimatums to get what you want… if needed, just restate what you did before. Sometimes men need a double dose of truth to grasp it. Be sure to stay calm, compassionate and vulnerable.

9) From then on when he compliments you, make a conscious effort to reward him by simply thanking him for the compliment and letting him know how good it makes you feel, or taking notice when he compliments others. This is your way of encouraging and supporting his change. Eventually his new behavior will become involuntary but at first it is a little like training a dog.

10) And remember change is about evolution… it is not an overnight process. Be patient and allow for fumbles.

Healthy relationships involve championing one another’s growth. Moments like these are gorgeous opportunities to test the waters of your ability to support each other. Are you able to ask for what you need? Is he able to appreciate your need and work to give it to you? Are you willing to work with him to be that support system he needs to evolve into a better man? And when the script is flipped, will you be there for him in this same way?

Live and love largely,
Tristan

I get asked frequently if I subscribe to or prescribe traditional dating “rules” – you know things like wait x number of days to call a guy back, don’t sleep with a man before x number of dates, never be the first to say “I love you,” and so on and so on. Well the simple answer, is no. Living a life, a love one or otherwise by a code of hard and fast rules doesn’t allow for flexibility of circumstance. Many rules need to be used as a learner’s guide and then modified based on your personal belief system and what directly works for you as a result of having tested them out. Each of us is a living laboratory and with constant experimentation and analysis, we can learn what formulas so to speak, provide us with our desired results, so don’t be afraid to tweak, tweak, tweak away in your personal lab.

That said, on my own journey and along the journey of my clients and readers, I’ve learned some rules that never seem to fail anyone. Here is a sampling of them:

Invest in yourself. Confidence is key to attract great love into your life and confidence is acquired through loving who you are. The more you invest in becoming a beautiful person on the inside and the outside, the more confident you will become. Further, you will have more to offer to a relationship and will be less likely to settle as you will be fully aware of and committed to, your worth.

Always play yourself. If you follow the rule to invest in yourself, you will not need to transform into another persona. By playing the role of you, all of the time, you will never wonder if you had done this or not done that, what might have happened. You will also not second guess if a man likes you for the person you really are, or the person you have presented. Trust me, you, is an academy award winning role, every time.

Stay present. To keep your sanity and dating future intact, live in the moment you are in right now. Remind yourself that real feelings take time to develop and relationships need room to blossom for maximum growth potential. Think of early dating as get-to-know-him time; not the time to quickly determine if Mr. First Date could be your future groom.

Trust your instincts. Living life can put you in all sorts of wonderful situations, but it can also present you with some questionable ones too. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Don’t force yourself to learn lessons that don’t need to be learned – trust in your all powerful gut.

Open your mind. Expand beyond your limited horizons of dating knowledge and limitations. Think beyond archetypes; don’t be quick to judge and date outside of your comfort zone. Think beyond bars, parties and online as the only options to fall in like. Use your peripheral vision to meet men; there is no wrong place to Mr. Right. Think beyond timelines. Abolish the premise that you must be married by 30 or have to date someone for two years before getting engaged; think in experience lines instead.

Be open for business. From having an approachable attitude and demeanor to dressing for dating success (i.e. never stepping foot out of the house in a housecoat and curlers), allow yourself to say “yes” to the possibility of love at all times. Be prepared attitudinally, emotionally and physically to take and give applications anytime, anywhere.

Leave your house. No one ever found their gold medal love by staying cooped up in their apartment reading UsWeekly and eating Chinese takeout 7 days a week. Get out there and connect with the vibrant world. Give to it and watch what you will receive in return… lots of luscious like and love opportunities.

Take the high road. Dating offers a myriad of options and choices where we can take the high road or the low road. For example, what happens when a boyfriend breaks your heart by doing something seemingly unforgiveable, is it ok to play the revenge card? Sure it might be momentarily satisfying, but in the end, you’ll feel worse for sinking to his level. By taking the high road, you’ll be proud of the woman in the mirror that you rise and shine to everyday.

Grow from your experiences. Every adventure in dating is a moment to learn from… both the obvious blessed ones and the absurd ones... if you press the pause button and give yourself the chance to do so. If not, your time and energy put in has been wasted, as opposed to being used for positive uplift.

Wear color. Despite our natural inclination to go for that LBD or other black ensemble, men are more attracted to color. Opt for jewel tones which look great on every skin tone, make your eyes pop and send a message that you are fun and confident, plus they set you apart from the sea of women donning boring black.

Believe in love. No matter how many unfavorable experiences you have, don’t lose faith in the beauty of love. Stay immersed in landscapes, people and emotions all wrapped up in a bow of love, and soak up their gorgeous goodness. Remember, those who believe in love are instantly more lovable.

Don't these sounds like rules that are easier, happier and more worthwhile to live and love by? What rules, traditional or otherwise have worked for you?

Live and love largely,

Tristan