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He’d be perfect if only he'd grow another few inches. He’d be perfect if only he’d tap into his feminine side. He’d be perfect if only he’d drink less in public. He’d be perfect if only he weren’t so perfect! And the list goes on and on and on.

My dating archives are filled with them… men who made the 98% perfect list and therefore didn’t make the cut… and I’m guessing you have a lot of those too. Men who if they just changed one teeny tiny thing about themselves, just may have been in the running for “the one.” But they didn’t, so they were 86d.

The notion of perfect raises two important thoughts as it relates to dating. One is women’s often constant seeking for perfection… an unhealthy expectation that will ultimately lead us to feeling unfulfilled and… ultimately lonely, as addressed in another post: The Fairytale Fumble.

The other, th e question, “Can you change an almost perfect man into a perfect one?” If he’s 98% there, can you get him to 100%? After all, if you found a near perfect diamond, it would be your duty to polish it into perfection, right?

Read this, slowly and clearly: YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. Now, read it again, slower this time: YOU. CAN. NOT. CHANGE. A. MAN. Even if he really really REALLY loves you.

You see, change, everlasting change comes from deep within. It begins with an acceptance that something within is without, which leads to a desire to want that thing to be different. That desire sprouts determination and that determination fuels change. The initial accepatance simply cannot be assigned by another.

But you are saying to yourself, he’d be better off if he x, y, z’d… and we’d be better off for the change to! Of course he would and you guys would too and that is why you need to speak up. It’s important, critical in fact to get your needs met in a relationship and if you are not it is up to you, and you alone to voice them. You get what you accept in a relationship. Period. In fact, a good test to see if you love yourself is to get honest about what you need and unapologetically ask for it. And although you can’t demand that a man change…

The good news is that if a quality is changeable (meaning something other than height) you CAN inspire him to change. You can plant the seed of change. You can present the idea of an alternative behavior to him and encourage him to manifest it into change. If he trusts in your word and believes that you have his best interest at heart, not just your own, success will more likely be achieved… and you are right, he and you as a partnership will be better off (or perhaps rather on) for it.

For example, let’s say you believe your man would be “perfect” if he was more complimentary. Here’s how you can inspire that change in him:

1) Think about what he does right. Make a list of the things he does that you love. By doing so you will be in a love mindset so that you enter the conversation in a positive place.

2) Think about why you need more compliments… what that void actually is that you are missing. Think about how it makes you feel when you get them – be specific. Think about how it makes you feel when you don’t get them - be specific... you will need to share these later.

3) Think about how him giving more compliments can benefit him. Will it make him feel better about himself? Will it help him make friends? Will it help him be a better boss? Will it someday make him a good dad as it will inject his children with beautiful self-esteem? Remember that he will have to work to change and any type of work requires incentive.

4) Choose a good time and a good location. Don't introduce the idea of change to your man when he is stressed out, after a long day, when he's rushing off to hang with his friends or any other time where he isn't relaxed and open to giving you his undivided attention. Grab him when he is in a good mood, too... and don't make this talk feel threatening - present it as a positive opportunity to keep him from going into defense mode.

5) When you approach your man about this subject, use “I” statements and be vulnerable. Men like to be men… meaning they want to be needed and relied upon for small and large things so don’t be afraid to show him your dependent side – displaying your needs is healthy dependency!

6) Once you state your positive feeling, (for example: I feel appreciated when you tell me that I am important to you or I feel beautiful when you compliment my new outfits) follow it with your clearly stated need (for example: and I need to hear those things more often). Clarity is key for men. If they don’t get what you are saying, you will never get what you want.

7) Listen to what he has to say even if it isn’t what you want to hear, at first. Be understanding of his position.

8) Do not nag, beg or give ultimatums to get what you want… if needed, just restate what you did before. Sometimes men need a double dose of truth to grasp it. Be sure to stay calm, compassionate and vulnerable.

9) From then on when he compliments you, make a conscious effort to reward him by simply thanking him for the compliment and letting him know how good it makes you feel, or taking notice when he compliments others. This is your way of encouraging and supporting his change. Eventually his new behavior will become involuntary but at first it is a little like training a dog.

10) And remember change is about evolution… it is not an overnight process. Be patient and allow for fumbles.

Healthy relationships involve championing one another’s growth. Moments like these are gorgeous opportunities to test the waters of your ability to support each other. Are you able to ask for what you need? Is he able to appreciate your need and work to give it to you? Are you willing to work with him to be that support system he needs to evolve into a better man? And when the script is flipped, will you be there for him in this same way?

Live and love largely,
Tristan