He’s cheap, he checks out other women, his breath smells, he won’t go down on me, he takes longer than me to get ready, he answered the phone during a movie, he lied to the host and said he was a doctor to get a table, he’s too negative, he’s too positive…. And the list goes on and on and ON! No wonder singledom is lasting well into our 30s – our dealbreaker list is longer than a line to get into a Justin Bieber concert. Now, don’t get me wrong, as you know by now, I am a champion of choosy, but in the MD lab, I’ve been wondering if perhaps we are decoding our relationship red lights improperly. Could these dealbreakers be more than meets the eye?
All this talk lately about settling raises the age ol’ question among women, “Am I too picky?” Your mom will say, “Yes” before you finish asking the question but she as we know has an agenda. Your BFF who last saw you with a trade down will say, “No” because she is your #1 fan and think you can do better. Well here’s what I think. When it comes to creating your dealbreaker list, you have to look beyond the surface to see what the non-negotiable is representing because it is deeper than it appears.
For example, my friend Shara 86’d a guy because his emails were full of typos. Upon further examination, what she didn’t like about him was that he wasn’t conscientious. Eliminating a mandidate because he has shitty grammar is being impulsively and unreasonably picky, but eliminating one because he isn’t conscientious when that is an attribute you value, that is being insightfully and reasonably picky. Christina ended it with her guy because he was a freelancer. Turns out freelancing represented instability to her and she needs someone with a secure paycheck, insurance, 401K, etc. Danielle peaced out Jeremiah for always interrupting her but it wasn’t because he was so rude (that’s fixable), it was because the interrupting was an indicator of how self-interested Jeremiah was in what he had to say, never in what she had to say.
So when you are looking to red light a prospect, don’t ask, “Am I being too picky?” ask, “Am I being insightfully and reasonably picky?” Dig a little deeper to dissect the underlying reason for your dissatisfaction.... that will help you in the short and long term.
Live and love largely,
Tristan
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Waiting in line for a latte can be the ideal time to return a call or beat the next level of Brickbreaker and the idea of flying on a plane iPod-less sounds so 2001, but putting yourself in a technological bubble makes it hard for potential mandidates to break through to you. Buds in your ears or your pretty little face buried in a PDA not only makes it difficult for a guy to penetrate your tech zone, as purposefully or not, you are putting up a “do not disturb” sign. In a world filled with tech-obsessed busy bodies, being the antithesis to this is a refreshing sight to see, and a subtle invitation to guys. So the next time you’ve got some idle time, where sure, you could pound through a dozen emails, text your BFFs or get lost in your favorite new download, consider instead disconnecting from your techie gadgets and open up to connecting with a human hottie. I guarantee pushing a boys buttons will be more fun!
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